Stillness

My heart is in my stomach, my head feels empty, my inner being feels like a deep dark scary cave. The sadness of losing a child is overwhelming to me as a friend, how are these mothers, these friends and neighbors of mine making it? Three in the past three months. Yes three mothers that I know have lost their children. I feel very very afraid, deeply sad, worried, empty, and almost lifeless. Being in a state of numbness although very isolated and lonely, feels like a safety net. I don't want to move, I don't want to breathe, I don't want to think....this is so painful. This stillness maybe will make it all go away.

Our home is once again calmer. Smokey stayed with us for almost 5 months this time, and being five years old now, more settled, smarter, and the king of snuggling, it was a wonderful few months, even though four dogs in one household was wearing at times. I miss him. My Scotties have been looking for him. Trixie, who feared him terribly a few years ago, grew to love him and they snuggled and slept side by side. Max the herder, would rouse him each morning to go outside for the AM potty trip. Maggie made sure she was still the queen sitting by my side or lap even with Smokey sleeping next to me on the couch, just to remind him she is the alpha dog of this house. Smokey knew something special was happening as Kenny set things out for the drive out to LA to take Smokey back to Walker. Smokey was gathering a few toys and dropping them by the door along with his crate, food, blankets, etc. When the final load was done, the front door open, Smokey sprinted to the car knowing he was going home. When the car pulled up at Walker's he once again sprinted and jumped up on "his boy" giving him kisses of happy reunion. My girls are again sitting on my lap and tolerating me being on my laptop, Smokey would lay his head on the keyboard and let me know it was time for all my attention to go to him. He is such a love. I just love dogs, I miss him, but he and Walker have a very special bond and it is good they are once again home together.

Fruitcake

While growing up my parents had friends, Mary & Charlie, who, when they visited or we visited them during the holidays always gave us Claxton Fruitcakes as gifts. Fruitcake giving is the brunt of many a good laugh, however, oddly, I acquired a taste for it and to this day like it (although recent walnut allergies have kept me from enjoying it). The best part of the fruitcake visits though, were that Mary & Charlie (who were childless) collected Cracker Jack toys and my brother and I were treated with grabbing a handful of these fun little toys. Of course my favorite was when I grabbed a ring, oh the special plastic bling! Mary was from a farm outside of Knoxville, TN. I remember us visiting her elderly aging parents and being taken to my childhood dreamland on the farm. I loved chasing the chickens, going to the pig pen, petting the goats, feeding the animals, etc. I always wanted to live on a farm and would beg my dad to consider buying a farm once he retired from the Navy. Well, that never happened, The farm was sold to make way for the big new highway back decades ago. Coincidentally, my uncle and aunt bought their home not too far off that highway and for years going to visit them, taking the new fancy highway, kept those farm visits and the fruitcake gifts alive in my childhood memories each time we passed and looked with sadness to where the farm once sat. Claxton Fruitcake for me is more than just all the yummy fruit and nuts!

Dance of the Day

The bright orange and red sky descended high from the sky down to the tops of the hills. The hills appeared dark gray, almost black, fading into the ocean waters. The water’s edge was barely defined from the hills’ horizon by soft bluish gray waves. As the waves came closer, they were more defined by layers of softer blues, darker blues, and then closer to shore, a greenish gray with the orange sky reflecting, making it look like a wave of fire in the water as it approached the shoreline. To the northwest of the horizon in the far background, a very bright yellow orange ball was about to drop behind the hills. As more waves gently rushed to the sand, the bright yellow orange ball dropped further behind the hills, growing smaller as it dropped further. Rippling white water waves flowed up to the shoreline. The vast body of water was marked with surfers’ silhouettes paddling out to catch the next big wave. In the distance the yellow orange ball stayed in the same place, but gradually became smaller and smaller as each wave sprayed the shore. Then, at one moment, the yellow orange ball was gone, it had dropped behind the hills completely out of sight. Above, the bright orange and red sky had softened to hues of pink, fading into soft gray and blues at the hills‘ horizon. The glorious sunset had faithfully delivered its daily dance and announced that the day had ended and that the evening was beginning.

Catch a wave...

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Blackberry Ice Cream and Ladybugs

Saturday found us driving on the country roads of Monument in the Cabrio, top down.  The Colorado sky was pure blue, painted with brilliant white clouds, and the bright sunshine felt warm and welcomed in the higher elevations.  We came across a little main drag cafe' of sorts, featuring homemade ice cream.  I got a single blackberry cone, yep blackberry....it took me back to when I was about 5 or 6 living in Glen Burnie, MD.  My folks would always stop at an ice cream parlor when we were out and about.  I always got blackberry.  The summer fruit and blend of cream is the perfect combination.  Enjoying the Colorado day was only enriched when a ladybug landed on the lens of my sunglasses. Life was just perfect at that moment, and again a reminder of how much I love Colorado, this place I call home. 

New Look at Books

I cannot ever walk directly through the door at Barnes and Noble, I must stop and look at all the sale books in the entry foyer first.  Two books immediately caught my attention today,  one about "Daddy" and another about "Granddad".  I don't have grandchildren (yet) and neither my dad or father in law are with us anymore.  I wished so badly to have a reason to buy these colorful, whimsical books.  Next, I found myself browsing the bargain stacks and once again drawn to children's books.  My heart dropped to the depths of my stomach, and literally, I felt a tear slide down my face.  I felt very sad realizing I will no longer be buying books for the children of my school library.  My personal finances will allow me to buy limited quantities for my classroom, but never again like the quantities afforded me as the teacher-librarian for 11 years at Ames, even on a tight budget, a budget that allowed for new titles to lure the kids to read. I am going to miss this so much.  It took great willpower to avoid going to the back of the store where the children's section is....that would have caused me even more sadness and pain.  I wonder if I will ever be able to walk into the Tattered Cover again, or even The Bookies?  I am going to need some serious therapy to get through this void that is facing me as I transition to my new teaching job.